smiles..

nothing much to write today...its just that---my daughter giggles and smiles a lot now...she's growing up indeed!!!

love yah ICAH! mwah!

excited..

today,i promised to get rid of sad thoughts..i promised to write down happy thoughts instead though things were a bit shaky and were torn in between deciding to stay in the city or getting away from the house of quarrelsome people and stay into the rural where internet connection is unavailable..that would be lonesome yet its safe there.we wouldn't be able to hear painful comments from family members who seem do not appreciate our "staying-with-them".

nweiz,too much bout it..IM EXCITED!!why?a friend and a classmate of mine back in college had just sent me an email.She's in Arkansas right now and she told me to fix related documents and school credentials for me to get there and work.I am indeed excited!It's been a month now that I'm reviewing old notes and reviewers in preparation for my medical state boards.

I'm doing this stuff for my hubby and my baby..

I love them both so much..They are my life..

wicked witch??

WICKED WITCHES were known to be WICKED..thats it..they hurt people..ruthless..unmerciful..Am I one of them? you might wonder why I'm calling myself a witch..I'm not into witchcraft but sometimes I hurt people..even my daughter..

Its really sad to say that I've been dreaming to be a perfect Mom to my daughter ICAH but I wasn't.(no one's perfect,right?) I want to let her feel that i really love her so much that I won't hurt her.I don't want her to grow up hating me, scared of me..stuffs like that..coz i grew up that way.My dad would beat me up and still did it even in my college.I was even hospitalized because I hurt myself and attempted suicide after my dad beat me up and kicked me after my college graduation just because i grew too skinny!I had episodes of self-pity and thoughts of being unwanted. He suspected i'm into DRUGS?of course not!I grew thin because I studied too hard till wee hours and would forget to eat at times because I aimed to be in the TOPLIST of our Medical board exam.knowing that our school would grant us a NEW CAR and tuition refund if we'll make it to the top.I wanted him to be proud of me (and he should!) but instead he beat me up without listening to my explanation..Marriage would be an escape as what i've thought before but I didn't take it that way coz things were different.I love my hubby so much.He knew about wht i've gone through and He understands..I'm blessed to have him..Now that I have him,nobody can hurt me again.not even my dad!I promised myself not to follow my dad's steps in raising kids.I'm not in a military school!I should be treated well..but I was disappointed of myself because....

I really cried when one night i wasn't able to control my temper.I was so tired from my work and travel.I needed to sleep even for just awhile and have to wake up at midnight to take care of ICAH since I and my hubby agreed to take shifts in watching over her.I really wanted to get a rest but I can't do so because my daughter has been crying all night.We fed her already..she's full..we changed her diapers, for sure,she isn't wet..she's isn't cold nor hot?!we see to it she's thermo-regulated..why on earth she's still crying?! I mean "YELLING" huh?in the midst of a very quiet night..Everybody's asleep u'know..They said some babies really do cry a lot..even without reason?? I mean..nah...I dunno..

I thought of administering a medicine to aid abdominal tympanism,suspecting she might be crying coz' she's bloated or has gastro pain.. I dunno...but I just grew impatient that I splurted the 0.5mL dose in the dropper all out into my daughter's mouth--ALL AT ONCE!God! I AM IMPOSSIBLE! of course, the dose was exact but the hell--I splurted it as if she can take it all without choking..of course,she did..a bit..

my hubby really hated me for what I did..I promised myself not to do it again..never again! I realized, its not really easy to be a parent. I really don't know why I did it.It wasn't my intention to hurt her.I rather get hurt than see her cry but I just did..I felt so guilty doing that.I cried for days because of guilt.I'm sharing this in here because I wanna let things out from my system.I'm about to be like my dad..of korz i forgave him already and I'm healed but just couldn't forget the past.I really hate myself for doing that to my daughter.I made a covenant to myself not to do it again....never do hurt my daughter again...she's not mine..She's God's gift to me..She's an angel...

after all of these,I promised to be more patient.
I won't be a wicked witch...not at all..and will never will be..
but still wished i never did that stupid thing....